Spirit tells me that I seem to set myself up to become, or at least
Make it easy to be used as a target of choice. But, why? He asks.
I don’t know. What is it about me that seems to invite verbal abuse?
It has nothing much to do with you at all. It is an outward expression
Of inner distress that not even your so-called attacker is aware of.
You just happen to be an easy target and, if not you, then it would be
someone else.
But, why me?
Would you wish it to be someone else?
Sometimes.
Yes.
Spirit tells me that everyone creates in a continuous
And unending development of their life. Some may
Call it a lifestyle, but a way of life is the way we
Choose to create our life. We cannot not create
When we eat, He tells me (I have just finished
Eating a delicious meal that I prepared myself, so
It could be sour grapes – Spirit may not be able
To eat).. He repeats Himself, when we eat, we
Are nourishing or abusing our body.
Eating far beyond (I may have overeaten
A little) what is necessary to sustain
And nourish healthy growth.
Addiction to food is still addiction. I
Feel no remorse. My taste buds enjoyed
The food, and approved of my efforts.
My appetite, wherever that resides,
May have been a bit greedy. My body
Does feel a bit too full. This is abuse,
Spirit tells me, and I suppose He’s right,
Again. My digestive system, He tells me
Has been the victim of my obvious lack
Of self-control, and now must work,
Beyond what a small meal
Would have required of it.
Now comes the real guilt trip. He
Suggests that my digestive system
Has now become an unwilling
Participant to disease creation,
Obesity being, in Spirit’s mind,
A created disease process.
I will try to eat less, next time.
Spirit tells me that
Dishonesty can never be
Unintentional, and it is
Self-destructive to accept
Dishonesty or abuse as
Unintentional.
Habits are habits may explain, but
Can never justify the habit.
How, I ask Spirit, can we, okay, I, possibly cope with abuse
If there seems to be no escaping from it?
To seek to escape if cowardly, He tells me.
But, Isn’t it possible, I suggest,
That some, okay, that I might sometimes
Take offence to something that someone
Might say or do, and feel
abused by them?
Sensitivity to criticism can only develop,
Spirit explains, from past experience
Of abuse, and we all have
Past experiences of abuse.
That may well be
The original sin.
Spirit seems to be fixated on abuse. Why can’t He teach me something about almost anything else but abuse. I surely don’t need it. It’s almost abusive of him to focus on this subject, at this time in our relationship. It’s still too painful for me to deal with. He should know that.
Abuse, Spirit claims, as if I didn’t know, is soul-destructive to both the abused and the abuser.
I feel totally compassionate toward those I meet, who seem to be in intense emotional pain. It pains me to witness their agony. Perhaps time will ease the memory. Of course, they must first escape the situation wherein the abuse occurs. I seemed to need so very much time, but, I’m a slow learner, I guess.
Abuse (Spirit interrupts my thinking), continues, needs to be acknowledged as existing, at least potentially, in every human relationship (I would add, and in every human to spirit one). Spirit seems to ignore my cynic thought.
Each and everyone within a relationship, Spirit explains, is at least potentially both a victim and an abuser, or both.
Does that include our relationship? I pretend to innocently ask.
That depends.
On what?
Honesty.
“Chela”, Spirit seems to sigh with hopeless resignation at my distress. Where is the compassion and understanding? Surely I have suffered enough.
“Chela”, my mind must have wandered. Blame it on stress.
“You have always, it seems, excused, or tried to excuse, obnoxious and, or abusive behaviour on the pretention, and I repeat, pretention, that it was due to a lack of development of more socially acceptable forms of behaviour, and not to a deliberate intent to offend or harm you. And then, though the incident stresses you to tears, you blame yourself for being too sensitive. When will you dare to accept that what seems abusive, is abuse”.
“It is a Law of Nature”, Spirit reminds me, for haven’t I heard this lecture a thousand times or more, “that every action we consciously, or through habit, choose to undertake, requires intent. And, when you, through need of whatever, choose to excuse abusive behaviour, not only are you being less than honest with yourself, you are sharing in that behaviour, as a co-abuser. This is called self-abusive behaviour”.
How does that fit?” He then asks, almost smugly, Is He throwing me a challenge? Perhaps, but if so, I’m in no emotional condition to defend myself, at least, not yet.
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